Clean Sweep for Good Time Charlie

Alex & Gavin also make the podium

Click here to go to race results and lap times.

From left: Gavin Painter (3rd), Charlie Jackson (1st), Alex Nevill (2nd) and Driver of the Day James Lee. Apart from Charlie you'd think the rest had lost a fiver and found a tax demand.

I’ve been in this business a long time. I thought I knew Buckmore pretty well. Normally in January, if there is a brief shower, the circuit stays wet until at least March; but not on Sunday. For some odd reason the persistent rain that greeted the drivers’ arrival at the circuit mysteriously evaporated during the briefing — in which I carefully explained the wet line — and we emerged to find the track almost totally dry. I have no explanation, maybe global drying has begun, but it sure delighted the drivers about to sally forth for an hour of non-stop action.

The grid was made up of a healthy mixture of the experienced and the new and it’s easy to spot the difference. The experienced driver sports more exotic ‘plumage’ while the less experienced are coated with a scuff resistant red sheath whilst others display a blaze of orange to indicate their virginity. If this was your first trip to Buckmore, but you have vowed that it won’t be your last, then do take a moment to read the next paragraph as it was written with you in mind.

Your participation in this event has bestowed upon you, along with aching arms and bruised hips, the status of fully paid up member of our hire kart race club BPKDC. This gives you the right, nay the duty, to access our inner sanctum, the club members’ forum. Just register as a new user so that I can check your boney fidos (it’s a skinny dog I think) before I let you in. After all, we don’t want any old riff raff in there. It is a great place to find out more, get to know how the club ticks and meet other members. You can learn more about improving your technique and thus reduce your lap times, and a whole lot more. I condemn it to the house. Click to register here:
Click here to go to the members forum registration page.

Enough with the commercials, let’s take a look at how you all got on. The first item on the agenda was a cunning blend of practice and qualifying. The star turn in this session was Good Time Charlie Jackson who set what was to become the pole time. His best was almost three quarters of a second faster than either Alex Nevill or James Lee who both achieved 50.8 second best laps, the difference being in the second place of decimals, but that sounds awfully like maths and I can’t be doing with that. The remaining top five qualifiers were Andy Ballam and Gavin Painter. I should perhaps point out that Andy’s surname is pronounced Ballam as in Balham and not as Baa Lamb as I originally thought. Maybe it was the presence of a Russ Mutton that set my mind off on that ovine path.

I see some hugely varied grids in the course of most weeks but tonight things were actually pretty close right across the field. Even those who lined up on the back couple of rows of the grid had achieved sub sixty second best lap times. It all boded well for a good race. There was a minor drama on the slowing down lap following qualifying when Charlie Jackson’s kart developed acute death down at the bottom of the circuit. The crew gave the kart the mechanical equivalent of CPR and it limped back to the grid where it finally expired for good. Imagine Charlie’s thoughts at that moment. He’d been allocated a kart worthy of his humongous wobbling talent and the bloody thing had promptly died. We changed the kart but the blow to his confidence can only be imagined. Finally, we were ready to race. The Martian in charge of these things muttered his ritual incantation to the drivers’ and stepped up to the controls to start the race. The lights turned green and it was GO, GO,GO! (I wouldn’t normally capitalise words, or chuck in gratuitous explanation marks, but I had just watched a short Murray Walker tribute so I couldn’t resist it.)

Alex Nevill got the best start and led the way in the opening laps. Despite a cold and untested steed Charlie Jackson slotted in behind the early leader as he brought his rubber up to temperature. Rory Malloy enjoyed a good start from sixth on the grid but it almost ended in disaster at the hairpin when a spinner blocked his path. He soon recovered and began to pick his way up the order. James Lee also enjoyed a good start and was running third when a Martian manning a distant podule radioed in to tell us that there were some ominous noises and sparks emanating from his backside. At first I considered calling the medic until I realised the sparks were coming from the bottom of the kart. Before we could do anything the chain parted company with the sprocket and the kart coasted to a halt on the exit of hairpin two.

James Lee, your headache's growing, the kart's not going
But the crew don’t seem to know
James Lee, your forehead's damp, your muscles cramp
You’ve lost your get up and go
James Lee, you're turning around your fate again
Oh, James Lee
James Lee, you're turning around your fate again
Oh, James Lee.*

By the time the pit crew had replaced his kart and he was back on track he had dropped to 14th and as two laps down on the leader. For many drivers that would be the end, but James isn’t called the ‘Comeback Kid’ for nothing, he charges at least a fiver.
With this drama now over I cast an eye at the leader board. Sadly it was too far away for me to see from race control, but at least I tried. Instead I referred to the printout beside me. Charlie Jackson had by now taken the lead from Alex Nevill and had managed to stretch that lead to four seconds. Alex was a bit safer as he had seventeen seconds of clear air between himself and Rory Malloy and Andy Ballam who were locking horns in their battle for third. As an aside I should tell you about the special circumstances relating to Rory. He is about to add to his family and as he pounded happily around the circuit, his partner was preparing for the imminent arrival. The deal was that his family had my mobile number so that if the baby decided to wreck his chances of a podium, they would phone and I could black flag Rory in. As it happens the baby was thoughtful and decided to wait until after the race. However, it came to pass that I had to black flag Rory in anyway, for clocking up three warnings for contact. I warned the crew in case he leapt from the kart and legged it to the hospital. He didn’t, but he wasn’t best pleased.

We had a couple of early retirements, first Michael Russell though he later returned and then retired again. Then Eric Abbott decided to take the early retirement option. We did actually have one other driver who gave up just one lap before the flag. That was for a bladder emergency and to save his blushes I’ve decided to withhold Alan Smith’s name.

All this time James Lee had been powering his way back up the order. At one point he came up behind race leader Charlie Jackson to unlap himself. Charlie had no idea of the earlier snapped chain debacle and on seeing James went into defence mode which involved him collecting his only contact warning of the night. If only he’d known that James was two laps adrift.

With Rory Malloy now delayed by what he regarded as a dubious judicial the way was clear for Gavin Painter to move up to third. Andy Ballam was still in the frame just on the tail of Gavin Painter and right in front of Rory, who was quicker now as the jets of steam being emitted from his ears added an almost jet like boost to his performance. In sixth was Richard Renshaw-Pant. His real name is Renshaw-Knicker but it was too long for the scoreboard. He was dicing with Adam James whose totally reversible name is ideally suited for when he spins. With less than ten minutes to go, the last two names on the leader board top ten were James Lee and Jamie Harrison.

James Lee really had the bit between his teeth at this time but I didn’t like to ask which bit it was. He was cutting through the traffic like a wife through clutter and as the race inexorably rolled toward its conclusion he was up to fifth place. Mumbles of approval could be heard from the staff in race control and it was decided that he deserved a ‘Driver of the Day’ award for his achievement.

It was of course Good Time Charlie Jackson who took the chequer and by a pretty impressive 14 seconds. I’m not sure if that qualifies as impressive, but it sure was pretty. Alex Nevill came home for the silver about half a lap clear of 3rd placed Gavin Painter who seemed rather pleased. Andy Ballam had reason to look pleased. By coming home a close fourth he narrowly missed having to take home an ornament of dubious artistic merit. Driver of the Day James Lee was next home and followed an instant later by Rory Malloy. His chum Richard Renshaw Pant(er) was next while Adam James, Jamie Harrison and the stunningly named Balazs Balazs completed the top ten.

Start spreading the news
He’s tenth today
He wants to be a part of it
Balazs, Balazs**

I hope you all had a great time tonight and will want to return soon. I certainly enjoyed your company. I do like to know how many of you read these ramblings of mine and whether you enjoy them. If you do and you can be bothered, please email me. If you don’t read them, then you will not have read this sentence in which case don’t email me. Thank you. Just click here, I like hearing from you!

Now we have a bit of work to do. We need to spread the word. Can I ask you to ‘Like’ ‘Tweet’ and ‘+1’ using the links below. Apparently if we all do that we will become rich and famous beyond the dreams of Avril who merely wants a KFC and a trip to Lakeside.

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*With apologies to Fairport Convention
**With more apologies, this time to John Kander and Fred Ebb

Report author: Alan Wood